Unsavoury

There was an old count from Swoboda

Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.

So, with great savoir-faire,

She stood on a chair,

And pissed in his whisky-and-soda.

The ship's first mate was named Carter

Oh but he was a farter.

When the wind wouldn't blow

And the ship wouldn't go,

It took Carter the farter to start Her.

One cannot when dealing with Toynbee,

Just pay him back in his own coin be

Cause talking such piss

Would come rather amiss,

And so how would a kick in the groin be?

There was a young man from Savannah,

Who died in a curious manner:

He whittled a hole,

In a telephone pole,

And electrified his banana.

Relativity, the theorists' creed,

Says mass increases with speed.

My (m)ass grows when I sit it.

Mr. Einstein, get with it;

Equate its deflation, I plead!

When I came back to roger the gnu,

I was scarcely delayed coming through,

And the staff – most polite,

Cried, "please stay overnight",

It's a privilege granted to few.

There was plenty of good-natured chaff,

When I popped in to fuck the giraffe,

And the PRZS,

Could hardly suppress,

A dry professorial laugh.

A usage that's seldom got right

Is when to say shit and when shite,

And many a chap,

Will fall back on crap,

Which is vulgar, evasive, and trite.

There was a young fellow called Shit,

A name he disliked quite a bit,

So he changed it to Shite,

A step in the right

Direction, one has to admit.

There was a young vampire named Mable,

Whose periods were totally stable.

So every full moon,

She'd sit with a spoon,

And drink herself under the table.